Yes, we are still alive and kicking here in Chennai. Since coming back from our holidays in October it’s been all work and no fun…or at least more work and less fun! Janine is busy writing an article for an Indian journal so for the moment we are playing the academic version of a happy family both bend over our laptops. But in between there is time enough for Diwali celebrations (the biggest Hindu festivity of the year), beach trips, social visits, badminton (me), private tae-bo / aerobic class (Janine … when the ‘master’ shows up), nightly rat chases, cooking classes, restaurant visits and this weekend a real Indian “Monsoon Wedding”.
As many of you might know marriage is a whole different affair in this country. The biggest difference: most marriages are still arranged. And I’m not talking about mamma and papa just organizing the venue, the menu and the invitations…no in most cases they also organize your soulmate for life and genetic material for your future offspring. The days where husband and wife had never met each other and had very little or no say in the matter seem to be long gone in middle class India. But the Western style “love-marriages” are still looked upon here with suspicion and doubts from both the parent generation as well as Indians our age. Almost all of the middle aged married people we meet here in Chennai had their marriage arranged by the parents not really knowing their husband/wife until the day of marriage.
The marriage we went to Sunday and Monday was a South Indian Brahmin wedding (Brahmin is the highest caste). We were told that wedding traditions differ tremendously according to religion, caste, subcast and region. The couple – Nalili and Prakash – that I know from badminton, actually met each other at the badminton court. Prakash figured out that she was from the same caste or subcast as himself and went to ask Nalili’s parents for her hand in marriage. Nalili told me that she had not known anything about his marriage ideas. Although not “at all in love with him” at that time, she thought he was a good person so said yes. “At least this way I knew my husband was a nice guy…otherwise it’s a gamble” she told me with a smile, “and now we love each other.” Some of the guys from badminton said that Prakash had been lucky because Nalili was from the same caste. Otherwise he would not have had the chance to choose himself. “But do you then want a love marriage?” I asked them. No, most seem to agree. Love marriages are dangerous. Too many expectations, complications, etc. and they also don’t want to upset their parents by going against their wishes.
“Love marriages” often fall apart people say. I’m not surprised: young (and old) Indians fall in love like everyone else in this world I guess. When passions run high, they can choose to either keep it secret (can be difficult when you live with your parents) or else marry quickly. Maybe not the best circumstances for taking such an important decision! When the marriage is arranged, rational choice is applied (as well as planetary positions, ancient caste systems and profit-hungry marriage brokers) and expectations are fulfilled if the partner for life is respectful and nice.
In the Indian middle class the arranged marriages seem to continue for at least one generation more. But the marrying men and women try to influence the choice by vetoing the parent’s suggestions or by suggesting someone that they know, who falls within the acceptable caste/religious group. Many families also use marriage brokers and internet (like www.1rupeematrimony.com). It is interesting to compare this with the popularity of internet dating sites at home where people also look for partners within the same professions, with the same interests, or even looks, etc. One big difference is of course that here in India there is no “testing ride” for a couple of years, but just a number of social visits (no touching of course). So in that way it is still a gamble…but a gamble where the odds can be influenced just a little bit improved in one’s favour.
The wedding happened over two days. First day (Sunday) was the reception. 500-600 guests in turn greeting the couple; having a photo taken; moving on to the rows of chairs facing the couple or listening to classical music in the hall next door; in groups moving into the dining hall to be vastly and fastly fed (a 12-15 minutes mouth watering experience) and after that leaving for home. The whole visit lasting between 1-2 hours. Of course a lot of chatting going on, but no party as we know it with dancing, speeches, everyone dining together, drinks, fun, etc. Oh yes, in case any of you ever invite an Indian for your wedding: if nothing else is said, the invitation also goes out to his sisters and brothers, parents, grandparents, children, visiting friends, etc!
Monday morning was the real marriage with several important rituals. Most important one: the groom tying a rope around the bride’s neck while she is sitting on her father’s lap. No need for long explanations of the symbolism I guess! Due to strong beliefs in astrology this must happen at a very certain minute. Two priests are leading the whole thing instructing the by now very tired looking couple and reading aloud from an old handwritten book with Sanskrit scriptures. There is a fire and they make offerings to the gods, get blessings from guests, etc. One of the last rituals involves a ball game where the bride and groom must play with a coconut. I guess this made more sense back “in the olden days” where the bride and groom where children of 14-15 years old who had never met each other before.
Today people marry much later: The woman often in her late 20ties and man in beginning 30ties (the middle classes). But “no sex before marriage” is still considered the norm (Janine will tell more amusing details about this next time). How many actually live up to this? Probably 1/2 - 1/3 of the men. The women are more innocent…or just better guarded and watched!
We have only a little more than two weeks left in Chennai now. But we promise to write soon again this time.
Take care all of you.
.jpg)
The marriage we went to Sunday and Monday was a South Indian Brahmin wedding (Brahmin is the highest caste). We were told that wedding traditions differ tremendously according to religion, caste, subcast and region. The couple – Nalili and Prakash – that I know from badminton, actually met each other at the badminton court. Prakash figured out that she was from the same caste or subcast as himself and went to ask Nalili’s parents for her hand in marriage. Nalili told me that she had not known anything about his marriage ideas. Although not “at all in love with him” at that time, she thought he was a good person so said yes. “At least this way I knew my husband was a nice guy…otherwise it’s a gamble” she told me with a smile, “and now we love each other.” Some of the guys from badminton said that Prakash had been lucky because Nalili was from the same caste. Otherwise he would not have had the chance to choose himself. “But do you then want a love marriage?” I asked them. No, most seem to agree. Love marriages are dangerous. Too many expectations, complications, etc. and they also don’t want to upset their parents by going against their wishes.“Love marriages” often fall apart people say. I’m not surprised: young (and old) Indians fall in love like everyone else in this world I guess. When passions run high, they can choose to either keep it secret (can be difficult when you live with your parents) or else marry quickly. Maybe not the best circumstances for taking such an important decision! When the marriage is arranged, rational choice is applied (as well as planetary positions, ancient caste systems and profit-hungry marriage brokers) and expectations are fulfilled if the partner for life is respectful and nice.
In the Indian middle class the arranged marriages seem to continue for at least one generation more. But the marrying men and women try to influence the choice by vetoing the parent’s suggestions or by suggesting someone that they know, who falls within the acceptable caste/religious group. Many families also use marriage brokers and internet (like www.1rupeematrimony.com). It is interesting to compare this with the popularity of internet dating sites at home where people also look for partners within the same professions, with the same interests, or even looks, etc. One big difference is of course that here in India there is no “testing ride” for a couple of years, but just a number of social visits (no touching of course). So in that way it is still a gamble…but a gamble where the odds can be influenced just a little bit improved in one’s favour.
The wedding happened over two days. First day (Sunday) was the reception. 500-600 guests in turn greeting the couple; having a photo taken; moving on to the rows of chairs facing the couple or listening to classical music in the hall next door; in groups moving into the dining hall to be vastly and fastly fed (a 12-15 minutes mouth watering experience) and after that leaving for home. The whole visit lasting between 1-2 hours. Of course a lot of chatting going on, but no party as we know it with dancing, speeches, everyone dining together, drinks, fun, etc. Oh yes, in case any of you ever invite an Indian for your wedding: if nothing else is said, the invitation also goes out to his sisters and brothers, parents, grandparents, children, visiting friends, etc!
Monday morning was the real marriage with several important rituals. Most important one: the groom tying a rope around the bride’s neck while she is sitting on her father’s lap. No need for long explanations of the symbolism I guess! Due to strong beliefs in astrology this must happen at a very certain minute. Two priests are leading the whole thing instructing the by now very tired looking couple and reading aloud from an old handwritten book with Sanskrit scriptures. There is a fire and they make offerings to the gods, get blessings from guests, etc. One of the last rituals involves a ball game where the bride and groom must play with a coconut. I guess this made more sense back “in the olden days” where the bride and groom where children of 14-15 years old who had never met each other before.Today people marry much later: The woman often in her late 20ties and man in beginning 30ties (the middle classes). But “no sex before marriage” is still considered the norm (Janine will tell more amusing details about this next time). How many actually live up to this? Probably 1/2 - 1/3 of the men. The women are more innocent…or just better guarded and watched!
We have only a little more than two weeks left in Chennai now. But we promise to write soon again this time.
Take care all of you.
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Picture to the right: Hindu Divali ('festival of lights')celebration at the house of Janine's translator Krishnaveni